


Goku's Loneliness

by Isabeau_Gower



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M, Masturbation, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-17
Updated: 2005-09-17
Packaged: 2017-10-19 05:45:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/197576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeau_Gower/pseuds/Isabeau_Gower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Goku's left his physical prison, but the emotional prison he's in feels just as confining to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goku's Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> Told from Goku's POV, this takes place in the gap of time immediately preceding anime episode 39.

Goku’s Loneliness  
Isabeau Gower

 

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters are the property of Kazuya Minekura.  
Rating: M  
Note: This takes place immediately preceding the events of anime episode 39.

 

I’ll never have the things that other people get out of life. Maybe I really am cursed.

I should be grateful, I know, I have so much more now that I’m no longer in prison and alone, but it still hurts. Sometimes I really hate it when we arrive in towns, even though I know that it means food and lots of it. I have hungers of other kinds, though, and on nights when we have comfortable beds and separate rooms to sleep in, the loneliness settles back in.

For five hundred years I sat in that prison cave with no food, little light, and the companionship of only the occasional bird. I pretend to the others that I remember very little of it because they look so sad when I admit that things from that time still affect me. I don’t wish to upset the men who have given my life so much meaning, especially Sanzo. His touch was the first that I had felt; the first human warmth to caress my skin in five hundred years. I wonder if any of them really understand what that means to me. They see me as a child even though I’m older than all of them put together. They see me as ignorant too, although I suppose that is true enough.

Still, it’s kind of funny that they think I’m deaf as well. I have demon senses. Do they really think that I can’t hear them? Can’t hear the noise from Hakkai’s room every time we get to a place that has at least two rooms available? I should hate them for being with one another, for excluding me, but I can’t. I even went to watch them once or twice. I’m not sure why I did that to myself. Maybe I thought that I was wrong about what they were doing. Maybe I thought that if I saw what they were doing, I’d be able to be angry with them. Maybe I thought that they would magically sense my presence and invite me to join them. I wasn’t wrong and I wasn’t angry, and they never noticed. They were so very beautiful. Gojyo was so much more tender than I expected him to be with his pervy reputation, and Hakkai so much more free in his expressions than he is during the day. The only one who seemed to be what I’d always thought was Sanzo. I’ve dreamed of what he would be like, what making love with him would be like. My golden sun was so perfect surrounded by the love of my brothers. They all looked so happy with one another, so very content. I shouldn’t disturb them. I shouldn’t do anything to take away this happiness that they’ve found with each other. I’m just so very...jealous.

I’ve tried everything: eating, putting a pillow over my head, taking a cold shower, even masturbating while I listen to them. Nothing helps. The masturbating, in particular, seemed to be the worst of all. While I was doing it, I could listen to them and pretend that I was there with them, but when it was over, there I would be all alone again. I’m so tired of the feel of my own hand. I’m so tired of cleaning up my own mess. I love how Hakkai always gets a towel to help clean Sanzo and Gojyo, and how Gojyo passes a cigarette to Sanzo who lights them both up. During the day, when we are all together, we argue so much. At night, though, when they are alone with one another, it’s as though they are perfect. They never argue. They never make a mistake. It’s just perfect coordinated bliss and companionship.

I often wonder if they would be like that during the day if it weren’t for me. I wonder if they just keep me around to help them fight, or worse, because they feel sorry for me. I love all of them so much and just want to be with them, but I just can’t keep pretending that that day will ever come. Maybe if I could prove to them that I can be part of the team, they would finally ask me to join them. Homura says that I’m weak. Is that why? Am I not good enough for the others? Am I only good enough to be their servant if I can’t help them fight?

Sanzo has been so angry with me today. I’m not really sure what I’ve done wrong but I know that it must be bad. He’s probably regretting ever having brought me down from the mountain, let alone bringing me on this trip. I cause him so much trouble, especially when I lose my limiter. I don’t remember what happens when I get that way, but it must be really bad. Maybe that’s why the guys don’t want me to be with them. Maybe I’m just really that horrible and disgusting. Maybe I can never be anything more than what I am right now. It’s a little like still being in the prison. I can see the sun from here; I can feel its warmth. I know that it’s there, but I’m not allowed to touch it.

We’ll be getting supplies and staying in a town today. It’s raining today, too. I’ll go with Hakkai and try to pick up something special to cheer Sanzo up. I can still do that much for him can’t I? If I can’t touch his body, can I still touch his heart? I want to take care of him, the way he’s taken care of me. If I could just do that, then it wouldn’t feel so lonely. I just know it. If I could do that, I could prove to him that I deserve a chance. He’s so thin these days, and he smokes too much. I’ll get something healthy and tasty to eat and that will cheer him up. When I’m sad, he always does the same for me, so it should work for him too, right?

Gojyo and Hakkai are warning me not to drop the supplies because I’m running back ahead of them. I’m not going to drop this; this is my special surprise for Sanzo. I’m going to hurry back and give him the peaches and take care of him and by the time the guys get here everything will be okay again. I’ll show you that I can be like the others, that I can take care of you, and then we can all be together. Just hold on, Sanzo, I’m on my way.


End file.
